i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
