Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
