3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
