Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
