So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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