Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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