The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
