She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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