i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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