Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
