The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
