He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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