new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
