Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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