I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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