she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
