If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
foreskin is a definite game changer
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
