I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
