Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
