So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
