I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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