Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
