Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
