Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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