All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
