woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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