I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
