Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
