dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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