Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
