Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
