Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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