At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
