just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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