if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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