I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I think I died a long time ago.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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