You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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