Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
