I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You need Xanax blowdarts
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
