I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
