I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
