I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
