dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
