i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just invented taco cereal.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
