Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize