and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
