Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I wish you could order shots online.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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