i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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