Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Randomize
