my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
