I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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