Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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