You made me cry and you don't even care
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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