I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize