I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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