I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
