I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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