Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
