Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
