You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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