I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
